Failure refers to the state or condition of not meeting a desirable or intended objective, and may be viewed as the opposite of success. There exists a contrary view as opined by our very own Thomas Edison of the Light bulb fame whose consistent failure albeit with dignity has ensured that the world now has light. This can be captured in his platinum selling quote (*If there is anything like that though)… "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
Thomas went further to awaken our instincts when he proffered a befuddling view of what results are. This can be garnered from the quote below:
"Results! Why, man, I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that won't work."
Now that we have established the above, journey with me as I present to you 50 fail proof ways that you can apply to fail with your dignity intact. Remember this post is not recommended unless you are 100% plus certain that you truly wish to fail with flying colors!
1. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read the questions aloud and debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out sarcastically, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
2. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
3. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
4. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
5. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.
6. At some point in in the exam, start crying for mommy and daddy.
7. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
8. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
9. Walk in, get the exam and sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
10. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!
11. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
12. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
13. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
14. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh gee, better get cracking," and scribble furiously. Turn it in a few minutes early.
15. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
16. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor and say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
17. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
18. Complete the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math’s or science exams, try using Roman numerals.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, swear loudly and walk out triumphantly.
21. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
22. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
23. Upon receiving the exam, look it over. While laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel?’Days of our Lives' is on!"
24. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
25. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
26. Bring cheat sheets from another class (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
27. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
28. Bring balloons, blow them up, and start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
29. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, and telegrams sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
30. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
31. Answer a physics paper in Latin and a Latin paper with equations and mass/force ratios.
32. Start whispering loudly to the person sitting next to you. You will both be thrown out. This can be good if it is someone you do not like but bad if it is your best friend.
33. Punch the examiner in the face (instantaneous results).
34. Sound the fire alarm just before you enter the room, wait until everyone has left the section of building you are in and enter the exam hall. Once in the hall sabotage the exam by scribbling swear words in as many exam papers as possible until you get caught.
35. Order a score of pizzas for the examiner with a compliment card in your name. Be prepared to pay for them, or leave before they arrive.
36. Book a taxi for the examiner.
37. Walk up to the examiner and ask for a piece of paper. Repeat this at five minute intervals until the examiner asks why you need so much paper, at this point show the examiner the paper chain you have made out of your exam entry.
38. Fake a heart attack in the exam.
39. Turn up ten minutes before the exam has ended, sit down, write a few lines and leave the exam five minutes early.
40. In a timed computer studies assessment give up and start to play tetris or solitaire instead.
41. Throw paper darts at the examiner with messages written on them such as, "What's the answer to question 3" or "Does your wife know your secret?".
42. Replace a large bottle of paracetamol's contents with mints and take the bottle into the exam. If the examiner quizzes you over the bottle say that the your doctor prescribes them to stop you getting headaches. Halfway through the exam stand up, scream "I can't take it anymore!", overdose on the "paracetamol" and pretend to collapse. The examiner will no doubt panic and the exam will be stopped. Your trick will be discovered at the hospital but at least you will have fresh breath when you get thrown out of intensive care.
43. Complete the exam by writing your sentences backwards (this takes a bit of practice).
44. If the exam is a modern language exam then answer the exam in English.
45. Start pretending to swat flies with your exam papers until your eventually hit the examiner.
46. Take a pencil case shaped like a mobile phone into the exam and "talk" to your parents at regular intervals.
47. Release a small mouse into the exam and watch the mass hysteria happen when it runs through the female section of the hall.
48. Use your tie as a sling-shot and fire blunt instruments (calculator, pens, rulers etc.) at the examiner.
49. Ask to go to the toilet. Return and complain that there is no toilet paper. Pause, pick up your exam paper and stroll out.
50. Think of more ways! Come on be creative!
There we have them. I am certain you have seen these else where before and as such I dare not claim to be the author.
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My name is Blossom of the blcompère brand. I am a soon to be published Author, a certified Blogger and an amazing Compère and most recently, a lousy Designer... as simple as A. B. C. D.
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